10/17 Friday Potluck: Fractured Fairy Tales

[Teresa Stores]

Okay, you all know the genre. The goal here is to create a new fairy tale (or fable, if you prefer), "fractured" (or in our case, "queered"), either by taking a familiar fairy tale and rewriting it for lesbians or by making up a whole new fairy tale using some standard characters or fairy tale stuff with some queer twists. Here's mine:

Once upon a time, Little Red Leather Jacket decided to take some fresh-baked cookies to her grandmother's house...a perfect excuse to get another look at the very hot lumberjack cutting firewood for Granny's woodstove. "Don't talk to strangers," her mom said as she headed out the door. Little Red nodded, smiling at the thought of the lumberjack's biceps swelling the red plaid shirt. "Sure Mom," she said, and sauntered down the trail through the woods toward Granny's.
As she walked, she heard some rustling in the bushes. She kept her mace in her right hand and tried to remember the moves she'd learned in self-defense class. Suddenly, a dude in wearing a leopard print faux fur coat and hat jumped into the path. "Hey babe," he said. "What'cha got in the basket?"
Red gave him The Look. "It's incredibly offensive to refer to a woman as an infant," she said. "And my basket is my business, bud. Out of my way. Granny's waiting."
The dude stepped aside. "Whoa, no offense, hon. But I think I smell cookies...."
"Not for you, Wolfman," said Red, and she brushed past him down the path. She heard a chainsaw in the distance... That hot lumberjack, she thought.
"Granny's huh...?" The dude slipped back into the shadows and took a short cut through the woods....

Red knocked at Granny's door. "Come in!" she heard from within. "I'm sick in bed, dearie!"
"I've brought you some cookies, Gran," said Red. She stopped short when she saw the dude dressed up in Granny's nightgown lying under the covers in her bed. "What the hell?" She laughed. "Granny, what big ears you have."
"The better to hear you with, my dear," said the wolf-dude. "Do you think I can cover them with a wig?"
Red got her mace in her hand. "Well Granny," she said, "what big bloodshot eyes you have."
"The better to see you with, my dear," said the dude. "And maybe I drank just a little too much last night..."
Red put the cookies on the table. "What big teeth you have, Granny," she said. She stepped to the bed and pointed her mace.
"For the cookies..." whined the wolf-dude. "I do love cookies...."
"Where's Granny?" Red demanded.
At that moment, Granny appeared at the window with the lumberjack. "Out here, stacking wood," she called. "Oh, Wolf," she said, exasperated, "you know you can borrow my negligee for the drag show any time, but I do wish you wouldn't eat in my bed. I hate crumbs."

With that, Granny introduced Red to Jac, the woodcutter. After a yummy cookie snack, Jac invited Red to the drag show that night. The next morning, they rented a UHaul and moved into the cabin in the woods down the path from Granny's, and they all lived happily ever after.

[KG MacGregor]

This one's going to be fun. I'll have to think on mine a bit.

KG

[Josie Gordon]

Love this one! 

Off to dream one up ...

Josie

[xenaclark]

I wish I dind't have to work today so I could work on a good tale.

Nicki

[KG MacGregor]

The Frog Princess

One day, the fair maiden Laurel went for a walk in the woods. She came upon a still pond and gathered a handful of stones, including a shiny quartz, amber in color ... almost golden. She tossed a gray stone into the pond, and suddenly, a big-bellied frog appeared.

"Kiss me," the frog said brazenly.

Laurel shuddered with disgust. "No, you're an ugly frog."

"But if you kiss me, you will be rewarded."

So she gave the frog a kiss right on the frog lips, which were lined with stubble from a five o'clock frog shadow. "Ew!"

Before her eyes, the frog magically morphed into a handsome prince, who bowed upon his knee in her service.

"Where's my reward?" she demanded.

Perplexed, he replied, "Well, fair maiden, I am your reward -- a handsome prince."

Unmoved, Laurel waved her hand in dismissal. "A prince is no reward for kissing a slimy frog, no matter how handsome he might be."

Clearly discouraged, the prince sulked away, clueless as to how any fair maiden could resist his handsomeness.

One by one, the maiden tossed the stones into the pond, each time producing a slimy, big-bellied frog. Again and again, she kissed their stubbly frog lips, and was disappointed at the appearance of one prince after another.

When she dismissed the last one, he turned and told her, "There are no more princes in the pond. You are expected by all of your family and friends to choose one of us. I shall wait with the others for your choice."

Near tears, Laurel studied her last stone, the golden quartz, remembering the prince's warning that no more princes were in the pond. Despondent that she would have to make her choice of rewards from the array of princes, none of whom she found desirable, she tossed the stone into the water and turned to leave.

"Where are you going?" a a strong, but decidedly feminine, voice asked.

She turned to see one last frog, this one more shapely than the others, and wearing lipstick. "But...but...he said--"

"He said there were no more princes in the pond. Just kiss me and I'll make your dreams come true."

Shaking perceptibly, but unable to resist the tingly allure of this electrifying creature, the fair maiden tentatively pulled the frog into a kiss -- noticing at once the delightful absence of stubble -- and nearly swooned as the frog's long, long, long tongue explored the recesses of her mouth as if committing it to eternal memory.  "Oh, dear."

Then the frog magically morphed into the most beautiful princess she had ever seen. "I am Princess Megan, and I love you deeply."

"And I love you," Laurel said, noting with delight that Megan still sported the long, long, long frog tongue.

Arm in arm, they paraded past the line of dejected princes, past the dismayed friends and the indignant family, on to take their seats upon the throne of the Queendom of Maternas.

[Karin Kallmaker]

LOL! Great idea, Teresa!

*smell of burning cloth as thought process begins*


Karin

[xenaclark]

I would have used the quote take to quote that the two stories so far are brilliant. I just thought it would take up too much space.

Nicki

[Robbi McCoy]

 A challenging but fun topic.  Two excellent entries so far.  Here's my shot:

Once upon a time there lived a family of three large, hairy folk in the woods: Mama, Papa, and Baby.  They called her Baby even though she was by now full grown and well into puberty, sprouting hair in all the usual places, and even some in very unusual places, for so it was that this family was genetically predisposed to a rather thick coat of dense brown fur.

Even though Baby was full grown, she was still quite a bit smaller than her parents. She was lonely, though, because she was different--the furry bit mostly and being sort of big for her age, especially as winter approached.  Baby worried that nobody would ever love her and her parents secretly worried about this as well.

One day Mama baked a big marionberry pie.  When it was done, she set it out to cool while the family went on a visit to a friend's house.  Baby was definitely looking forward to that pie when they returned.

While they were gone, a girl, Goldilocks by name, happened on their house. She was called Goldilocks because of the tremendously prominent mane of blond hair cascading down over her shoulders and to her knees.  Curious, she knocked on the door and got no answer.  She decided to go in and look around.  Immediately, the marionberry pie caught her eye.  She ate it, using Baby's bowl.  Tired, she then tried sitting in the three chairs she found there.  Papa's chair was too hard.  Mama's chair was too soft.  Baby's chair was just right, so she sat there rocking for a moment and then the chair collapsed beneath her.  (Goldilocks had her own challenges.)

Still drowsy, she went into the first bedroom and tried the beds there.  Papa's bed was too hard.   Mama's bed was too soft.  (They were twin beds that they occasionally pushed together.)  Goldilocks went into the other bedroom and tried Baby's bed, finding it to her liking.  She fell asleep.

When the family returned, Baby started wailing, seeing that not only was the pie gone, but somebody had eaten out of her bowl.  "And somebody sat in my chair and broke it," Baby cried.  Both Papa and Mama noticed that somebody had been sleeping in their beds.  Running into the bedroom, Baby saw Goldilocks asleep on her bed. "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed," she said, "and she's still there!"  She came up beside Goldilocks and poked her.  Goldilocks gradually awakened and looked at Baby, first with alarm, but eventually with delight.  "Why, you're just like me," she said, "all hairy and big for your age.  I think I'm in love."

Baby hopped in beside Goldilocks.  Then they did each other's hair. . . in more ways than one.  And of course they lived happily ever after.

[watson]

Apologies, this is long. I got carried away.

-----------------------

Cinderella, Modern and Gay

Dell adjusted her toolbelt and hammered at the furnace for one last time. She was covered in soot, dirt and unspeakable gunge that came out of the ancient furnace. She shuddered to think how many years it had been since it was cleaned. She hoped that her attempt at repairs would last until spring, especially now that her stepmother made it all too clear that there was no extra room upstairs and Dell would have to make the cold, dark basement her home.

"Cinderella!!" As if by some unspeakable dark magic coincidence, her stepmother's voice screamed at her from upstairs. She cringed at the use of her full name, which she detested for its girlie-ness. "Get your lazy ass up here right this minute and help your sisters get ready for the Royal Ball!"

She quickly made her way upstairs, unbuckling her toolbelt as she took the steps two at a time. When she entered her stepsisters' bedroom she was greeted by the sight of two mounds of almost naked, flabby, pale flesh in the midst of getting changed. She bit the inside of her mouth to stop herself from laughing outright at her stepsisters' attempt to "dyke it up." Lipstyck and Celesbyan, as her stepsisters were known, wore sleeveless t-shirts that were two sizes too small that showed off their glorious fat folds, one ear-ring in the wrong ear, and liquid leggings straight from the eighties. When they spotted her, they wasted no time in ordering her to help them into their outfits.

"Princess Charming has no chance tonight, she won't be able to take her eyes off me," Lipstyck remarked as she paraded in front of the Lying Mirror.

"You wish!" Celesbyan countered. "She'll dance with me all night!"

"Now girls, don't fight," Dell's stepmother admonished. "I'm sure Princess Charming will find both of you equally attractive and ask you both to move in with her after two dances."

"I hear that every lesbian who is anyone will be there," Lipstyck said.

Celesbyan clapped excitedly. "Yes! Ellen and Portia will be there, plus the entire professional softball league."

"A jam session with Melissa, Amy, Joan and everyone..." "SamRo is DJing..." "Rachel Maddow is MC..."

Dell remembered that the Royal Ball was the event where the King's daughter, Princess Charming, will choose a suitable girl to become her domestic partner, the notion of marriage having been overturned the year before due to a shortage of Elvis impersonators. Dell thought Princess Charming was the most beautiful creature in the whole universe, even though with her long blonde hair, full make-up and tendency to dress in pink she looked very straight and not very gay at all.

She sighed. And then realized she'd sighed out loud.

"What are you making faces for?" Lipstyck yelled at her.

"Nothing," she replied.

"You're not thinking of going to the Ball too?" Celesbyan snickered. "Look at you, you won't even get through the front gate looking the way you do."

And with that, her sisters and stepmother left abruptly leaving her standing forlornly in the middle of the room.

After cleaning up, she sat in the kitchen staring at the fire. At least the furnace is fixed so I'm not freezing to death, she thought. Her thoughts turned to Princess Charming again, and the vision of the beauty that she could not have made her cry. Try as she might, she couldn't stop the tears.

"Oh, quit feeling sorry for yourself, it's pathetic," a shrill voice rang out. Dell jumped out of fear. She was alone in the house; noises and voices were trouble. She looked up from behind her curtain of tears to see a fierce, short brunette scowling at her.

"Who are you?" she blurted out.

"You don't know who I am?" the woman demanded incredulously.

Dell backtracked. "No, I know you are Rosie O'Donnell. What I meant was, what are you doing here?"

Rosie snorted. "I'm your fairy godmother, of course."

"And they can't send me Jodie Foster?" Dell mumbled. Turning to Rosie, she smiled. "Fairy godmother?"

"Well duh. This is a fairy tale, albeit a screwed up version of one. So, you gotta have a fairy godmother," Rosie said. "Now, what's the big deal that got you in such a state."

Dell explained about the Royal Ball, her stepsisters' bullying and her unrequited love for Princess Charming. Rosie listened intently and at the end of the sorry tale, pulled Dell to her feet. She led her outside to the driveway, waved her hands around like she was doing a spell and with a "ta-dah!" presented Dell with ...

"A Volvo SUV?" Dell gasped.

"Hey, it's the 2009 XC90," Rosie pointed out. "Safe, spacious and perfect for taking the kids to school."

"But I'm not--no, my bad. Thank you." Her initial shock passed, and Dell was grateful for the favor.

Rosie shrugged, then her eyes traveled up and down Dell's body. "You need clothes." With that she waved her hands again and Dell suddenly found herself decked out in a form-fitting black silk t-shirt, leather pants and...

"Rainbow Crocs?"

"With a unique charm in every hole," Rosie pointed out again. "Look, I know you want 14-eye Docs, but I have sponsorship deals, you know."

Dell grinned. She was digging her fairy godmother. "It's great, thank you again."

"No sweat. Now, remember to be back before midnight. You know the deal."

*****

When she entered the Royal Ballroom, Princess Charming was dancing with a baby butch. Then she danced with a D-list movie star, then a famous lesfic author. Dell, hiding behind a pillar to avoid being spotted by her stepsisters, was exhausted watching the dancing. She snagged several glasses of champagne which she downed quickly. That got her in the mood and soon she was enjoying herself thoroughly. She closed her eyes and rocked gently with the beat of the dance music.

"Nice shoes," an angelic voice whispered behind her. She turned and her knees almost gave out at the sight of Princess Charming leaning against her pillar, inches away from her. It seemed corny, but the air between them was electric, their eyes locked. And when Princess Charming took her hand, there were fireworks and massive tingling all over her skin.

Princess Charming danced only with Dell after that, ignoring every other person in the ballroom. Dell did feel like everything else around them were dimmed and all her attention was on Princess Charming. There were audible groans when, at the end of a slow waltz, their lips brushed together sweetly and briefly.

Soon it was approaching midnight and she knew she had to tear herself away. It was far easier said than done. She whispered in Princess Charming's ear "I have to go" time after time, but each time found an excuse to stay. Then there was only one minute left. She gently pushed herself away from Princess Charming, minding the lack of body contact immediately, and with a lingering kiss broke away before she changed her mind. "I really have to go."

"Wait!" Princess Charming implored. "What's your name? Where do you live? I love you!"

There was no time. Dell ran like a 100m sprinter away from the castle with the platoon of guards shouting and chasing after her. In her haste, and because they easily came off her feet, she lost one of her rainbw Crocs on the steps of the castle. She hoped her fairy godmother didn't want the Crocs back. They looked customized but Rosie didn't mention anything about a deposit.

The Volvo was gone, so she had to walk home. She looked back at the castle and was relieved that all attention had been diverted to her left-behind Crocs. She was still careful and took the back way home.

She feigned sleep when her stepsisters returned, but was woken up to help them undress. They couldn't stop talking about Princess Charming, and how her attention was monopolized by the handsome stranger all night. They were ungraciously jealous as usual and said many rude things about the stranger. There was no sign that they recognized Dell though.

By the morning, it was all over the news that Princess Charming had decided that the handsome stranger was The One. A picture of the rainbow Crocs was posted on flickr and quickly spread via digg, boing boing, twitter and facebook. In no time at all, the entire nation was obsessed with finding the true owner of the Crocs. Lines formed around the block from the castle as women (and men) brought all manner of decorated Crocs in the hope that theirs would be the perfect match.

Dell's stepsisters joined the hunt and lined up with the crowds. Dell's heart yearned to walk up to the castle and claim her princess but she knew it wasn't her place. Pundits and bloggers speculated about the identity of the Princess' true love non-stop that the personality became a rich caricature of perfection. Sales of Crocs and decorations went through the roof in an effort to replicate the missing pair. But the charms were so unique that neither Crocs nor Jibbitz were able to replicate the design.

Soon, the search intensified and the princess started methodically visiting every single house in the nation. It broke Dell's heart to see her princess' face grew longer and longer as the days passed by with no good news. She didn't know what to do. In order to keep her out of the way her stepmother and stepsisters confined her to the basement where she spent her entire day moping and missing her princess. The one good thing that came out of her forced imprisonment was that she finally managed to clean and fix the furnace.

On the seventh day of the search, the Princess came to their district. And then she was at their house. Dell heard the commotion and even behind the locked basement door she could discern the sweet voice of her true love. She heard her stepsisters presenting Princess Charming with their version of the missing Crocs, and heard the resounding rejection of their efforts. She knew she had to find her way to her heart somehow.

The search party was making their way out, and she was desperate. Suddenly she had an idea. She found her trusted toolbelt and started pounding on the basement door with her hammer. The door was thick, but she didn't stop. "I'm here! I'm here!" she yelled and sobbed.

On and on she pounded.

And then the door opened. There in front of her was her Princess.

"I thought you said there was no one else in the house," the Princess said to her stepsisters.

"That's only Cinderella, she's nobody," her stepmother tried to explain.

Princess Charming turned to Dell. "I'm looking for the other half of this shoe," she said. Dell retreated down the stairs and brought out the rainbow Crocs that had not left her side since that night.

Words were not needed. Their eyes held, and Dell knew she could never deny her Princess anything.

They fell into a deep kiss.

And they never stopped kissing.

[Postie]

Watson,

That the winner for me.

Postie.

[Dillon Watson]

Wow, Watson, you really messed up the curve.  I'm going to have to go back and think some more.

Dillon

[corky_61]

They are all great, but Watson great job. I enjoyed

[corky_61]

KG
Your story makes me want to go hop on down to the frog pond and see if there are any smooth  frogs.

[Teresa Stores]

Wow, these are amazing! Great work, gang. And yeah, those smooth lipsticked froggy lips... now there's an image to take to work....