Chapter One

“What in the hell happened?” Trevor asked insistently as he pushed his way into Jaime’s apartment. They’d just finished a long and gruelling day on set, doing a last-minute photo shoot for the magazine that employed them. Jaime was beyond appreciative that he’d dropped everything when she called.

“Audrey and I had a fight.”

He sighed and looked relieved. “I thought something serious had happened. You and Audrey have been friends since kindergarten. Whatever it is, you two will always find a way to patch things up again.”

“She kissed me,” Jaime said flatly.

He sucked a breath in through his teeth which made a loud whooshing noise. “Wow. I thought she’d never make a move.”

Jaime snapped around to look at him, incredulity painted all over her face. “What?”

He crossed the room, lowered himself into an armchair, and beckoned Jaime into the seat across from him. “Dude, that girl has been in love with you for years.”

She placed her head in her hands and dragged her fingers through her hair in frustration. “That’s ridiculous. We’ve been friends for years and she’s never said anything.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Yes, she has. You know she has. Every single time you go off with some girl at a nightclub, it looks like she’s five seconds from murder.” Jaime opened her mouth to argue, but he simply put his hand up, a clear sign she should stay quiet. “She always lights up when you walk into a room. The two of you are completely inseparable. Neither one of you has had a relationship that lasted longer than a handful of months, and any time you have casual contact with one another, a hug or whatever, Audrey looks like she’s torn between ecstasy and misery. Jaime, I knew from the second I saw her with you that she was in love with you. Everyone can see it, except for you apparently.” Her mouth hung open in shock, but unfortunately for her, he wasn’t done. “And you’re clearly in love with her too.”

Jaime shook her head adamantly. “I think I would know if I was in love or harbouring some life-long crush on my best friend.”

He let out a laugh so suddenly that she jumped in her seat. “Who do you go to when you’re upset?”

“Audrey, because she’s my friend.”

He rolled his eyes at her again. “She’s also the first person you contact anytime you’ve got good news, or bad news. Come to think of it, any news is a good enough reason for you to call her up and talk for hours. She wouldn’t want to miss out on everything going on with you in the two seconds you’ve spent apart.” He fixed her with a soft look and leaned over to rub her back comfortingly. Tears streamed down her face and she swiped at them angrily.

“She’s my favourite person. We like spending time together. I mean, we tell each other everything. If what you’re saying is really true, why wouldn’t she have told me?”

He sighed wearily. “Because you guys met as little kids. It probably took her a while to realise what she was feeling. At which point I would imagine you had become good friends. It’s scary laying your feelings out like that. And Jaime, no offence, but you’re not exactly emotionally open,” he said as he scrunched his mouth to the side in an attempt to soften the blow. She gave up wiping the tears. They clearly weren’t going to stop anytime soon.

Trevor got up and strode around the back of her couch. He swiped Jaime’s photography portfolio, unzipped it and carefully balanced it on his leg as he flicked through the photos.

“What are you doing?”

He remained silent and delicately took some of the shots out of the portfolio. Once he was finished, he straightened out the fairly large pile of photos he’d collected and perched on the edge of the coffee table with the photos face down on his lap. He held the first one up. Her breath caught in her throat as she looked at it. It was a gorgeous shot of Audrey. She was casually leaning on the bonnet of a parked car with a cheeky smile on her face, her hair up in its usual messy bun and her bright blue eyes sparkling in the sun. He put the photo down and lifted the next one. Another shot of Audrey. This time she was at a picnic babysitting her four-year-old cousin. She crouched with her arms outstretched, trying to catch him as he ran away from her. The photo disappeared and was replaced with another one that featured Audrey, and then another, and another, and another.

“There are about forty shots of her in here, Jaime. And these are just the ones you thought displayed your skill set enough to go into your portfolio.”

He still had a photo left in his hands. He flipped it over and Jaime felt her heart race uncontrollably. It was taken her first year of college when she and Audrey were roommates. She’d been struggling with one of her photography projects. She woke early one morning and saw Audrey looking so beautiful as she slept. She had snapped a shot of her before she could stop herself. Audrey’s sleep shirt had ridden up in the night and the bedsheets had pooled around her waist, displaying her back and the strong muscles of her biceps. She looked unbelievably relaxed. Jaime’s affection clearly shone through the photo. It was as if the camera lens was caressing Audrey’s sleeping figure.

She pulled it out of Trevor’s hands and gently ran her finger down the edge of the film paper. It was an undeniably intimate shot. “I get where you’re going with this, I really do, but I can’t be in love with Audrey. I would know if I was.”

“So you’ve never imagined being with her? Because that photo really says otherwise,” he said in a gentle voice.

“Everyone sometimes fantasises about their friends. It’s harmless.”

He smiled at her. “No offence, but in all the years we’ve been friends, I have never thought about you like that or had even a single sex dream about you.” He leaned his head down to make eye contact with her. “How often do you think about her like that?”

She flushed and could feel the heat of her embarrassment radiate off her face. Her gaze flitted around the room and her breathing became more ragged. “Oh, God. I’m in love with her.” Her chest heaved, like getting the words out were causing a great level of physical exertion.

“Congratulations, you big moron! You’ve finally reached the same conclusion as the rest of us.”

She placed the photo into the portfolio case. She slid it into its home behind the couch and started to pace. Trevor simply watched her with a bemused look on his face. It was like a deluge of memories as she thought back to all the times she’d simmered in jealousy when Audrey was out on a date. Those charged moments they always shared if they were alone and standing close to one another. All of the times she just wanted to reach out and kiss her.

“Oh, my god. I’m completely in love with her. She’s the first person I think of when I wake up and the last before I go to sleep. I always feel down if work is too busy and I don’t get a chance to see her in person. I’ve been jealous of every single girlfriend she’s ever had.” She stopped talking and clapped her hand over her mouth, as if she’d just realised the meaning of the words that had escaped her. “I thought I was just an overprotective friend. I didn’t realise how badly I wanted her.”

He laughed out loud and slapped his knee, utterly unable to contain his mirth at the turn of the day’s events. “Well, considering she was kissing your face off about an hour ago, I’d say you’re in with a pretty good chance. I’d go so far as to say it’s practically guaranteed.”

Her tears had finally dried up. It was like something had unlocked inside her and she could finally breathe properly for the first time in years. She dragged Trevor out of his chair and pulled him into a tight hug. He chuckled into her ear and squeezed her back.

“Thank you.” After a long while she released her friend and promptly slugged him in the arm.

“Ow! What was that for, devil woman?” He clutched his shoulder and fired a scowl off in her direction.

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t anyone tell me? If you’ve known for this long, why would you just let us drift along like that?” she asked, more annoyed than legitimately angry.

The scowl slipped off his face and was replaced with exasperation, a face he often used at work when he thought Jaime was being particularly dense. “If I had sat the two of you down and tried a romance intervention, it would have blown up in all of our faces and probably caused irreparable damage to your friendship. Audrey’s convinced herself that her feelings are one-sided, and you’ve convinced yourself that your feelings were just friendly. You’ve both been residents of denial land for too long. The shock would have given you conjoined heart attacks.”

She grinned at him and sheepishly shrugged. He was right, but he could have helped things along subtly. Jaime’s grin got bigger as she thought about Trevor and subtlety in the same sentence. He had once asked a girl on a date by hiring a skywriting plane.

In all likelihood he would have ended up locking Audrey and Jaime in a room until they talked about their feelings, like television characters in a teen drama. She flopped down and opened her mouth to ask if he wanted a drink and would he help brainstorm ideas for asking Audrey on a date when her phone vibrated in her pocket. She dug it out. Unknown number. She hesitated over the call accept icon before she finally accepted the call.

“Jaime is that you?”

“Mrs. Walker?” Trevor frowned at her. She mouthed at him Audrey’s mom. She could hear crying from the other end of the line.

“There’s been an accident. Audrey was knocked down by a drunk driver. I’m on my way to the hospital now but you’re closer and I don’t want her to be alone.”

The phone slipped out of her hand and down her face before it crashed to the floor. Her knees buckled beneath her. Through blurred vision she saw Trevor launch forward to catch her. Her eyes slid shut and darkness descended.

Chapter Two

Jaime’s knee bobbed up and down incessantly as she jiggled her leg in a constant nervous rhythm. Her nail had gouged chunks out of the polystyrene cup that had previously contained the most hideous coffee she’d ever had the misfortune of drinking. Her eyes repeatedly flicked to the clock attached to the wall of the waiting room. A doctor had been by a few hours earlier to let her know that Audrey was in surgery. A drunk driver had lost control of his car, mounted the sidewalk and struck several pedestrians, one of whom was Audrey. Mrs. Walker had arrived about thirty minutes after her. Jaime desperately tried to pay attention when the doctor talked to Audrey’s mom, but he kept using phrases like “massive internal trauma” and “high chance of brain damage.” It was all she could do not to vomit or pass out again. She’d never admit it, but she was thankful Trevor had chosen to stick around. He’d driven them to the hospital at breakneck speed and refused to leave until he found out if Audrey was okay. There was no way she would have been able to keep it together alone, and he’d had the wherewithal to actually pay attention and understand what the doctor was saying when he had explained Audrey’s condition to Mrs. Walker.

“Mrs. Walker?” Jaime leaped out of her seat. A kindly looking nurse with a pristine uniform appeared to one side of them.

“Is she out of surgery? Is she okay?”

“She made it through the surgery, but you’ll need to talk to a doctor to get an update on her condition. I’ll take you to her room.”

The nurse led them a short distance into the busy intensive care wing. They passed several people who looked like they had been through the worst experiences of their lives. She could almost taste the disinfectant at the back of her throat. It made her want to gag. The efficient nurse led them to a small corner room. Jaime paused for a second and took a deep breath, steeling her nerves for whatever condition she was about to find Audrey in. Mrs Walker clasped her hand tightly. She pushed the door open and there was Audrey, as beautiful as ever. There was a small cut on her chin, a bruise on her left temple and bandages wrapped securely around the top of her head. The nurse lightly rested her hand on Mrs. Walker’s elbow.

“Dr. Hamilton will be here very soon. He’ll tell you everything that happened during the surgery.” Jaime nodded with a blank expression, still in shock at the turn of events, and stepped closer to the bed. She pulled up the uncomfortable-looking chair and clutched Audrey’s hand as she sat down. She could vaguely hear Trevor tell both of them that he was going to wait outside. Unable to help herself, she ran a finger down the side of Audrey’s face and carefully tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

“Aud, it’s me. I’m right here with you and I’m never letting you run out like that again.” The sound of a polite cough floated over to her. She cast her gaze over her shoulder. The doctor was obviously tired from the long surgery and looked run off his feet. Jaime felt a rush of thankfulness that he had saved her friend.

“Mrs. Walker, Ms. Ander, we were able to repair the damage to her internal organs. Her liver had a slight laceration and her spleen had to be removed, but we controlled the bleeding and closed without any complications.”

“She’s going to be all right?” Mrs. Walker asked shakily. The doctor hesitated and Jaime’s stomach plummeted.

“Unfortunately, the head injury she incurred during the accident has caused severe trauma to her brain. The neurosurgeon managed to stop a brain bleed, but we won’t know the extent of the damage until she regains consciousness.” The doctor paused again. “If she wakes up at all.”

Jaime bit her lip harshly to hold in a scream. “She might never wake up?”

He nodded, sympathy written all over his face. She could feel tears balloon behind her eyes, but she blinked them away. She needed to be strong right now. “What are the chances of her regaining consciousness?”

“She still has brain activity, but it’s lower than I’d like it to be. At this point Ms. Ander, it’s a guessing game.” He nodded his head respectfully and left the room. Mrs. Walker collapsed into the chair next to Audrey’s bed. Jaime tightened her grip on Audrey’s hand and raised it up to her mouth before she brushed a kiss over her knuckles.

She couldn’t help but remember how she’d met Audrey. Five years old and standing in the doorway to the classroom with a timid expression and the beginning of tears. Without even thinking Jaime had grabbed her favourite doll from the toy chest and bounded over to her. She’d made up some story on the spot about the doll and invited her to play. She smiled as she remembered how enthusiastically Audrey had thrown herself into the game. They spent the rest of break rolling around corners and jumping in front of the doll to protect her from an assortment of imaginary dangers.

They were inseparable from that point forward with regular sleepovers, shared lunches, and their families even went on joint holidays. Audrey was a part of every major thing that had happened to her—Audrey’s hand clasped in hers at her father’s funeral, attending college together, and practicing her interview techniques. Jaime let out a sharp laugh as she remembered taking Audrey to prom. How in the hell had it taken her this long to realise she was completely in love with her? She rested her head on the bed beside their joined hands and prayed to every deity she could think of that Audrey would awaken.

Jaime sat up slowly and groaned quietly as she stretched out the crick in her neck. She looked around the white, drab room, temporarily disoriented. The previous night crashed over her. Drunk driver. Audrey injured. Coma. The chair on the other side of the bed was empty. Jaime had no idea when Mrs. Walker had left the room. She tightened her hold on Audrey’s hand.

“I was wondering when you were going wake up, sleepyhead.”

Jaime’s eyes snapped open. She opened and closed her mouth a few times as she worked through her shock. “I could say the same to you, pretty lady.”

Audrey let out a small, relieved giggle before she clutched at her abdomen with her free hand. “Ow. What happened?”

Jaime rubbed her thumb over Audrey’s knuckles comfortingly. “You got hit by a drunk driver. You damaged some of your internals and you got a nasty bump on your head.”

She nodded lethargically. “That explains why I feel like an elephant sat on me.”

A laugh exploded out of Jaime, which surprised both of them. Her face quickly crumpled and all the tears she’d desperately held on to leaked out. “I thought I’d lost you,” she said and pulled in a ragged breath. “I love you, Audrey.”

“I love you too.”

Jaime shook her head. “No. I’m in love with you.” Audrey’s eyes went wider than she’d ever seen them, and there was a tiny smile on her lips. “I’m so sorry it took me this long to figure it out.”

And with that Jaime pressed her lips against Audrey’s. She cradled Audrey’s head and unleashed all of her fear, relief, and years of pent-up passion into the kiss. Audrey tugged at the front of Jaime’s shirt and pulled them impossibly close together, so close that Jaime could feel Audrey’s heartbeat. She’d never been so thankful for anything. All of her senses were in overdrive. The woman she loved was alive and her fingertips brushed across the softness of Audrey’s lips, the silken smoothness of her skin and the small breathy sighs that escaped every time their lips met. Jaime broke the kiss and rested their foreheads together.

“I’ve never loved anyone as much as I’ve loved you,” Audrey whispered into Jaime’s mouth and reached up for a second kiss. Jaime’s eyes rolled into the back of her head as she pressed into Audrey and relished how their lips fit together perfectly. They had waited patiently all this time to find each other.

She pulled away and looked down at Audrey with awe on her face. “God, we could have been doing that for years.”

Audrey grinned and gave her a peck. “S’okay, we can make up for…” Her voice trailed off and her eyes slid shut.

“Aud? Audrey? Audrey!”

She began to convulse and shake. Jaime ran to the door. “Help me! She needs help!” she screamed in the direction of the nurses’ station.

“Jaime, what’s happening?” Trevor scooped her up in his arms and pulled her out of the way of the crash team and Dr. Hamilton, all of whom had rushed into Audrey’s room.

She buried her face into his chest, sobs racking her whole body. “She woke up. She was fine and then she started, she just…”

He squeezed her tighter. “It’s going to be okay.” He whispered it over and over again. Suddenly the commotion in Audrey’s room stopped. She lifted her head up from Trevor’s chest. The crash team left the room and dragged the equipment behind them.

Mrs. Walker dashed around the corner, panic-stricken. “What’s happened? Is Audrey all right?”

“I’m so sorry, Mrs. Walker,” Dr. Hamilton said.

Jaime’s ears rang. She couldn’t hear anything else he said, and her face felt numb. She barely felt Trevor as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. Audrey was gone. Impossible, she thought. He must have made a mistake. She ripped herself out of Trevor’s grip and swerved past the doctor. Audrey looked exactly the same. She looked fine. Jaime collapsed onto the bed and rested her head on Audrey’s torso. No heartbeat.

She shakily stood up and brushed a kiss over her lips. “My heart will always belong to you.” She left the room and Audrey’s mom walked past her. She closed her eyes as she heard sobbing from behind her.

Trevor tried to intercept her but she just pushed him away. “Jaime, you shouldn’t be alone right now,” he called after her.

She didn’t bother to respond. What would be the point? Audrey was gone. The love of her life was gone before they’d even had a chance.

Chapter Three

Jaime ended up at a bar a few blocks from the hospital, a dingy, dark hole, like something out of a clichéd 80’s horror movie. It was nobody’s first destination for a good night out. There had only been a handful of people inside, and thankfully none of them had looked like the chatty type. She sat down at the bar and pulled all of her money out of her wallet. The bartender had a greasy rag over one shoulder and his look could only be described as a Hell’s Angel rip-off, but with none of the swagger or gravitas. He watched her methodically count the money with a greedy expression.

She flicked her finger and signalled him over. “Bring me your highest proof alcohol.” She pushed the cash toward him. “And keep it coming until I’ve run out of money.”

His eyes lit up. “No problem lady. I’ve got some scotch that’ll do the trick nicely.” He rummaged around behind the counter and pulled out a tall bottle full of amber-coloured liquid. He poured it into a glass that looked like it hadn’t been washed since its purchase. “The whole bottle is yours,” he said before he scurried away to put her money in the cash register. He clearly thought she was going to change her mind. She snorted and slammed the drink. The liquid rocketed down her throat so quickly she didn’t even taste it. She twisted the cap off the bottle and threw the lid behind her. She wasn’t going to need it again. She filled her glass and slammed down again. Then a third. Then a fourth. On her fifth drink she decided to slow down and actually savour the expensive scotch, especially considering that her face felt fuzzy and she had started to sway softly.

It had been awhile since she had seriously gotten drunk. The last time was a few years ago on Audrey’s birthday. That birthday had been one hell of a night. Trevor had insisted they go to a karaoke bar. Audrey had protested vehemently. Their usual plans were to watch old-school sci-fi movies, eat until they felt sick, and drink a couple of beers. Trevor had looked aghast. He’d launched into a passionate speech about how they were in their twenties and they should be out living life to the fullest and painting the town red. She quickly recognized he wasn’t going to run out of steam or back down anytime soon, so Audrey had relented.

They hopped around a few places, picked up drinks and accidently collected random people to join their party before they finally ended up outside the karaoke place Trevor had promised would guarantee a good time. The mood inside was great. Everyone seemed to be drunk and happy and it was completely good-natured. Even the bad singers got cheers and rounds of applause as they left the stage flushed and proud of themselves. It wasn’t long before Trevor got to work on Audrey. She adamantly refused his attempts to get her to sing. She was more than content to watch instead. Jaime remembered being hammered by then, and she just grabbed Audrey’s arm and dragged her onto the stage. Audrey made a few half-hearted attempts to escape, but she wore a massive grin on her face. They ended up serenading each other with a cheesy pop ballad as Trevor laughed so hard he doubled over in pain and gasped for air. He enthusiastically high-fived and hugged both of them when they made it back to their table. Audrey had looked so free that night.

She screwed her eyes shut in pain. For a brief moment she had forgotten Audrey was gone. Jaime threw back another pair of drinks. The bottle was almost half empty and she eyed it resentfully. The whole point of the evening was for her to get unbelievably drunk and forget, not be plagued perpetually by memories, knowing they were the last ones Jaime and Audrey were ever going to share together. Her phone buzzed in her pocket again. It was as if an angry beehive had taken up residency in her clothes. She ignored it like she had the last seven times it had rung. She idly wondered how long it would take Trevor to get the hint that she wasn’t going to answer, no matter how many times he called. It couldn’t get more obvious than a wall of silence.

She flagged the bartender down again. “Did my money just cover this bottle or will there be more alcohol coming?”

He shook his head. “You asked for the alcohol with the highest proof. That’s it and it ain’t cheap.”

She sighed and poured another drink. She probably only had three or four left. “Well, I guess if I’m not drunk enough at the end of this, I could always get you to smash the bottle over my head and knock my ass out.”

The bartender laughed uneasily and Jaime felt a spiteful grin bloom over her face. He clearly had no idea if she had been joking or not, and for some reason his unease made her feel better. Misery loves company, she thought wryly. She waved her hand at him to leave her alone, a blithe gesture, like flicking away a fly. She choked back more scotch as it dawned on her that she had used a Linda Klein move. Linda ran the fashion magazine she worked for. Klein informed all of her employees on their first day that a magazine editor was far too busy to waste time mollycoddling incompetence. She ended all their staff meetings by shooing them away with her hands, like her employees were a particularly annoying swarm of insects. It was a wonder she’d only been sued three times in her lengthy career. Trevor had a theory that she was secretly a demon and ate the people she fired so they couldn’t complain. Audrey had laughed herself silly at the idea. A sharp pain stabbed through Jaime’s heart. She snapped her eyes down to her wristwatch. She’d managed not to think about Audrey for fifteen minutes. A new record. She poured out the last of her booze and forlornly stroked the side of the bottle.

The front door opened and let in the sound of the outside traffic. “Finally!”

She rolled her eyes as Trevor’s voice drifted to her. “How did you find me?” she asked desolately.

He hopped onto the stool next to her and gave the now empty bottle of scotch a critical side eye. “This place is only a few blocks away from the hospital and the only other buildings on this street are fast-food places, corporate offices, and a bank. I figured the bar was my best bet, so I’ve been round all the ones I could find.”

She took a sip of her drink. “Great work, detective. Good timing as well. I’ve just run out of alcohol and money. Spot me a twenty.” She held her hand out. He stayed silent and didn’t move. She just stared at him and suddenly felt unsteady as though the stool she sat on had somehow lost one of its legs.

“I’m not going to do that, Jaime. You’ve clearly had enough.”

She scoffed and snatched her hand back. “You’re not my father and I don’t need a goddamn babysitter,” she spat at him.

“Audrey wouldn’t want you to destroy yourself like this.”

Jaime lunged forward so violently her stool fell backward with a loud bang. She gripped Trevor’s shirt collar tight enough that her knuckles turned a stark white. “You don’t know a thing about her.”

She turned away from him, snatched up her jacket and forcefully stabbed her arms through the sleeves. She smacked the door open and strode down the street with absolutely no idea where she was going. She heard the sound of Trevor as he hastily followed close behind her. “Just go away, Trevor. I don’t want company. I didn’t want you to find me at the bar, so that’s why I didn’t answer my goddamn phone.”

“Well, tough. You’re my friend and I’m not leaving you like this,” he said.

“Nothing is going to bring her back. Why bother?” Tears streamed down her face as she drunkenly stumbled over the sidewalk near the bar.

“Because she loved you. She’d want you to keep going, and I may not have known Audrey as long as you or loved her as much, but I’m hurting too. She was my friend and I miss her,” he said, his voice tight as he tried to hold back his own tears.

“I miss her so much already. It feels like I can’t breathe.”

“I know. I feel it too. I wish I could change what happened.” He scrubbed his hands over his face, moved over to the curb and flung his arm in the air to flag down a cab. She stepped toward him, tripped over her feet and body-slammed into the unforgiving concrete. She heard Trevor call out in concern. She looked up. Her vision became hazy and light danced around her. A woman crouched in front of her with an ethereal glow that rested on her skin. Jaime’s mouth fell open as she realised the woman was Audrey. She reached out with her hand, as she desperately tried to grasp her. Audrey smiled and gently clasped their hands together. Jaime felt a warmth wash over her. Trevor, the bar, everything, faded into the background.

“How are you here?”

Audrey smiled. “Your pain. It wouldn’t let me leave.” She cupped Jaime’s face in her hands. “Before I died I saw my whole life in an instant. All my regrets and missed chances. I loved you so much and I convinced myself over the years that you could never feel the same way about me. Then I felt your sorrow, I couldn’t bear it. We made such a mess of things.”

Jaime pulled her into a tight hug. “I’m so sorry. I love you. Please don’t leave me.”

Audrey smiled again. “When my life flashed by, I saw the exact moment we could have changed our fate. Your love and anguish called out to the universe. It’s giving us a second chance. Go back to that moment and do what I was never brave enough to do. Save me Jaime,” she whispered.

“I will,” Jaime gasped out. The light grew brighter and brighter until she couldn’t see anything but blinding white.